you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
