my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
