just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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