let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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