so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
