so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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