Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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