Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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