I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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