Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
