pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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