Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
