My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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