You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
