WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
