I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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