Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
