I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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