A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
