she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
