Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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