I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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