Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
