dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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