the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
