i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
