Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
