Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
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i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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