YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
