People in love make me want to vomit
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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