Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
