..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
