im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
