I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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