you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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