she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
