I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
