I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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