Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
