She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My ass is underappreciated
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
