I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
