I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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