If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
