My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize