mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
