Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
