Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
