My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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