If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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