the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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