yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
