Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
