Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
