Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
cat food counts as protein by the way
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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