I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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