I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
